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YOU ARE NOWHERE

by TAKE LIFE

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1.
It's a lie, it's fake, it's a trick, it's a trap. We're abandoned here with only one exit and no coming back. We live so fast and die so slow. I'd wish you well, but wishing doesn't make it so. Wishing does nothing. Nothing is what you get when all you know is superstition, and you deserve it. Nothing is the just reward for all your blind believing. Receive what you've earned when you stop breathing. Nothing lasts forever and your life is no exception, and you know it. The fantasy of eternity is a fallacy. Nothing is the last thing you'll see. We live so fast and die so slow. I'd wish you well but wishing doesn't make it so. Wishing does nothing. Every single one of us will perish unremembered. It's the only single thing of which we can be certain. Nothing is the last thing we'll ever see. Wishing does nothing.
2.
Maybe it's best you don't know what's coming. If you did you'd never sleep again. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you. The gag of your regrets is cold and iron clad. If you lived through anything you'd never say you had. If I could personify it, my only crime would be to bury my knife in my life a thousand times. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you. The gag of your regrets is cold and iron clad. If you lived through anything you'd never say you had. No life goes unruined.
3.
Relief from life is only where you find it. But for every kindness, there waits a thousand cruelties -lined up- behind it. The knife forgets, the flesh remembers forever. The wound bears a scab and the scab yields a scar. Compulsive, fevered lacerating. It's never ending and it's never changing so let's stop pretending. The knife forgets, the flesh remembers forever. Engraved with best wishes in fluid filigree, incisions spell 'relapse' presaging complete collapse, pregnant with irony. The wound bears a scab and the scab yields a scar which are naught but reminders of all that we are.
4.
Your sworn protectors become your betrayers. Self-molded into predator, preemptive strikes make you safer. They worship a christ-like hooker strung up by the knees. They nuzzle through her fur and sup on her disease. I'll stride by their rotting bodies with the worst of intent. I'm a knife forged by neglect in the hands of a sadistic epileptic. Cut them open and see how empty. Cut them open. They pray to lepers hung up by hooks in their veins. With the prey-drive of an unfixed addict, they'll infect the rest of us. Cut them open and see how empty they are.
5.
We're nowhere near ready to come face to face with the things that haunt us every day. Unprepared to turn and fight them all, we're going to do it anyway. Slaughter your weakness forever. Spit on the martyr and worship the butcher. Submission is abandoned by the bold having bartered silence for candor. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you fight for. Slaughter your weakness forever. Destroy the martyr and become the butcher. Butcher and the blade. Twist the blade so the bleeding won't stop until the heart does.
6.
What's the point of marking the path back home to return to the company of humans? Smash the compass. Burn the map. I'd rather lose my way. I'd rather be alone. The way is lost. I cleverly hide my tracks from myself as I go on. What's the point in doing right when everything is wrong? What's the point of going home only to find that everyone is dead and everything is gone? The way is lost. They're never going to find me here. I don't want to be found.
7.
Don't dare to hope you'll save yourself. Your debt doesn't expire when you do. You've seen what I can do to myself. Imagine what I'll do to you. You'll wish instead that every other living predator found you at the same time. Your mourners cover you with tears and kisses. I'll cover you with lime. How much longer until I find you? How long will it take to make your bonds fit? How much time and energy do I have to devote to exacting revenge? All of it. I'll consider your debt paid when your blood spills. If it can't, then your sons' will.
8.
CHEMICALM 03:31
I'm being sedated against my will. Every thought I have is actively trying to kill me. I can't believe a single thing anyone tells me. I'm in disbelief of everything. Crowded by faceless horrors. Bound and moved around by strangers. Why do I feel like I'm in danger? Will I still know who I am when things become clearer? I'm a nightmare in the mirror. Iron in the gut, glass in the spine, lead in the feet, mercury in the mind. I'm being sedated against my will. Every thought I have is actively trying to kill me. I don't recognize any of the people around me. They're trying to change my mind. I'm being sedated against my will. I'm being sedated for a one way trip. I'm being sedated. Sail to solitude. Burn the ship. I'm being sedated against my will. Every thought I have is actively trying to kill me. Sinking and twisting.
9.
"I never saw it coming." "Everything seemed alright." When they see what I've done to myself there'll be no surprise that I didn't last the night. I'm tired of the nights outnumbering the days. I'm tired of perfect memory's relentless sting. I'm so tired of how old shadows cling to my hands, to my eyes, to everything. Every day I survive is an unforgivable crime against nature. Each breath I draw is a spit-laced insult to the natural order. No pill will right me. No surgery will fix me. All I'll ever be is an experiment gone awry in chemistry. I wake and my heart breaks, so disappointed that I did. I wake disappointed that I did.
10.
Whenever, wherever. I don't care ever. I'm a wolf with a grenade for a head sprinting through crowds of the living dead. Mark that I said this: you made your choice between mercy and scorn. Whenever, wherever. I don't care ever. Versus the verses of curses, the hunt and the kill is all that there is. Hell emerges underneath with blood-warmed breath through ivory teeth filtering a snarled message to my kin: if you're going to make it out you've got to go all the way in. Whenever, wherever. I don't care ever. You'll only survive if you don't care that you do.
11.
STORM RULER 03:10
Sprint in the light, writhe at night. Eyes glued open to recall every gain ill-gotten. Soon ripe, soon rotten. Keep your promise. Sprint in the light, writhe at night. Iron-bound isolation, the fire relinquished. The languishing embers, through compassion, extinguished. Spare me this hollow burden. Keep your promise. Better dead than hollow. A light has gone out. Blame the storm I carry. A light has gone out.
12.
When all chose to ignore me, when all were fed before me, when I was forced to stand and watch, when all I've ever been was in the way - I'm forced to relive this every day. Old familiar, I know you've been waiting. I need to feel you wrap your arms around me. It's been so long, and I'm so tired. Embrace me. I beg death to embrace me. Hold me. Hold me still. I caught the ghost of mercy in freefall. I cleaned her wounds. I made her my sister. We pressed our foreheads together to share a dream of peace, to share a dream of everlasting peace. She kisses my forehead, leans in and whispers "seek no light in this abyss." I set my foot on the bridge with no intention of crossing, to give relief to me. So thankful for gravity, my body on a strange trajectory. Though I look up to see bottom, I can't keep from looking down. I can't keep my feet off the edge. I can't keep my body on the bridge. There's no way to reach me. No one knows how to find me. The house will stay empty. Hours mutate into days that stretch into years, each of which feels like a lifetime of fear. Knowing how I'll hurt those who love me will be insufficient to keep me here. I'm afraid of the impact but I welcome relief. Her warm, soft arms so welcoming. Let me have peace. May that embrace hold me. Hold me still. Give me peace. I'm afraid of the impact, but I welcome relief. Her warm arms so welcoming. Embrace me. Hold me still. I beg death to embrace me. Hold me still.

credits

released February 11, 2022

Produced, mixed, and mastered by Randy LeBoeuf
Guitar: Rafe Holmes
Bass, noise, additional production: Randy LeBoeuf
Drums: Matt Guglielmo
Vocals/lyrics/photography: Rob Fusco

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